I was living in survival mode and I needed to somehow recover but sheer will power wasn't enough. I needed to rest in Jesus. Be ok with not being ok. Take one day at a time and focus on the beauty in the little things. This was a year of resting in God's love, appreciating the relationships around me, and learning to love the crazy life God has given me.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Loss is hard. So hard. And loss comes in many levels, degrees, and circumstances and is experienced by many different types of people but it's all loss. It's a permanent separation of a person from your life, a final curtain close with no encore. It's the... Continue Reading →
I never imagined that preparing to lose my mom would be this painful and debilitating. I never knew that my life would pause, like a held breath, because of grief and heartache. I never knew how desperately I would grab onto the moments that I still get to have with her. I never knew I would be this angry about things I can't control. I never knew how hard it would be to watch my dad, watch my mom slip away. I never knew I would be this afraid of what's to come. I never knew how much I would selfishly struggle to keep her here instead of letting her go home where she will be with the One who loves her more than any of us ever could.
As I shaved what was left of her hair off yesterday after her 5th chemo treatment, I thought about how grateful I am that there is hope and a future for my mom. That her hair will eventually grow back and life will go on. But what about those who are losing the fight or are still unsure which way the battle will go? Don't they have hope and a future too?
That's what's important and what I want to remember every day. Not the cheesy, fickle, ever-changing poetry kind of love, though. I mean the kind of love that makes a good mom, wife, and friend. The kind of love that puts others first. The kind of love that grows in you the more you give it away. The kind of love that is given even when it isn't deserved, pours out even when the source feels empty, stretches even when it's already tight, expands even when constricted, is contagious and genuine and forgiving. The Jesus kind of love.
This isn't a mother-thing, it's a girl-thing. A girl's desire to care for others exists long before she has children. It's an ability and a gift that God puts in every woman, it's our purpose and our privilege to be the nurturers and caretakers in our world.
Even before I was married I wanted to homeschool my future kids but now that I'm 5 years in with a 2nd, 4th and 5th grader this year and with 2 little ones under foot while I teach, I wonder what in the world I was thinking! It’s super hard! ...but it's the hard stuff that produces great results when you press on.
Friends, I need grace. And I might not be the only one. Life is hard, our bodies are imperfect and our emotions are a beast to be tamed. Sometimes we just need to be real with each other and say what’s up.
You see, Jesus isn't sitting at your house in your favorite "quiet time spot" waiting for you to come meet up with him. He's with you everywhere, all the time. Watching, waiting, hoping you'll acknowledge him, talk to him, share your everyday life with him.